Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Why I'm Single, Reason #1: The Sweat

I'm a sweaty gal.  I've come to terms with it.  I don't deny it.

I'm the one you see at the gym wiping down a sweat slick on the weight bench.  I'm the girl who can't wear her hair down if it's above 70 degrees outside because it won't take long before it looks like she just stepped out of the shower.

I inherited these sweat glands from my dad.  I have very clear memories of helping my dad outside in the yard or garage and noting that the back of his shirt was a complete shade darker than the front of his shirt.  Not just in patches, either--the whole back of the shirt.  And he's a bald man with a very large dome of a head, too.  The sweat would bead as it came out of the pores on his scalp and dribble down, collecting at the end of his nose.  As I would stand near him, ready on deck with the next tool he'd need for his project, I would wait in anticipation for the moment when the drip on the end of his nose would drop.

Of course, I describe this only with affection, because I know exactly how he feels.  Maybe I feel even worse that he feels.  Because as grossed out as people might be by a sweaty man, they must pity a sweaty woman.  Women aren't supposed to sweat in great drops that pool at the waistband of their jeans.  Women are supposed to only slightly glisten, to glow, to appear dewy--not to look like a wet rat.

I cite my sweatiness as just one of the many reasons I still find myself single today.  Not only does my body react to even the slightest heat with oceans of salt water, it also takes cues from my emotions as to when to release the tide.

I sweat when I'm nervous.  A lot of people do.  But it's probably not the same full body sweat I experience.  Once, at a conference for English teachers, I was selected by my round table in a creative writing session to share my quick-write with the entire group.  Of about 300 people.  Now, everyone knows that one of the reasons you go to a conference as a single person is to try to meet other single people.  You wear your cutest outfits.  You try to sit next to attractive people and wow them with your amazing insights on whatever bullshit professional topic is being discussed.  And this should have been my shining moment.  Not only would I be on display for all of the men in the room who would surely decide they needed to talk to me after my reading, I was also singled out for my creativity and writing abilities.  All men are amazed by that, right?  Uh huh.

Well, I've spoken in front of groups of 30 people for years.  I'm a teacher.  That's a daily part of my job.  But at that point, I'd never spoken in front of 300 people.  And definitely never with a microphone.  I am pulled up to the front of the hotel ballroom, and the microphone is shoved in my hand.  Immediately, my body starts to quiver.  Then I feel the blood rush to my cheeks.  The panic sets in.  The red, hotness in my face is a sign that the sweat is about to come.  I start to read the words that are in front of me, probably with the microphone too close to my mouth, but all that's going on inside my head is: stop sweating, stop sweating, stop sweating!  But it just keeps on coming.  By that point, my voice was shaking as much as the hand holding the microphone.

Needless to say, zero men approached me to talk about writing when I sheepishly made my way back to my chair.  I like to believe that they would have if the sweat didn't come.

The worst part about the sweat is that it's also my reaction to attraction.  I'm sure there's some scientific reason that has to do with pheromones, but I just don't agree with science (one thing I have in common with Creationists!) when the thing releasing the chemicals that are supposed to attract a mate also completely disgusts him.  As soon as I lock eyes with a new attractive man and get within a normal range of personal space, it all starts--the redness, the heat, the sweat.  Not just a faint bead on my upper lip.  Full on face sweat.

If I'm lucky, I've interacted with a man enough from a safe distance before this happens and it's not the first impression I make.  But that's usually not the case.

As with most shitty situations in life, I've tried to make the best of it.  I've learned to just not even bother leaving my hair down between April and October in Texas.  I've learned that if I have to be outside when it's warm, it's best to wear a dress or skirt and let the breezes flow.  I've learned to pay attention to types of fabric when shopping for clothes so I don't end up like my dad in the yard.

But my favorite lesson is that my body tells me who I'm attracted to before my head realizes it.  It's become my own little detection system.  It's come in handy in places like the workplace where you don't necessarily want to be flirting with coworkers or when you meet a married man so you know not to joke around with him too much because it might get weird.

And it actually helped me realize I was interested in the last guy I dated when we were left alone at a picnic table and I suddenly felt sweat dripping down my neck.  As I tried to subtly wipe it off with a head-scratch-to-wipe move, I thought, oh, I guess I like this guy.

Luckily, it was a breezy night and the sweat dried quickly.


4 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how happy I am to find this post. As a fellow sweaty girl (and thanks to my Dad as well) I totally feel your pain :(

    I live in a country with a warm climate so on days that are REALLY humid, my arms are perpetually slick with sweat and I feel so self-conscious wearing sleeveless tops. I also worry about anyone being unfortunate enough to brush against me because that probably feels nasty to them.

    No surprise that I am also single, and worry about what prospective romantic interests would think :'(

    I am soooo glad to read this because I totally understand, and thank you for writing it. We sweaty sisters unite! And breezes are our best friends for sure. <3

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    Replies
    1. Ah yes, the Texas summer is about to start. I spend most of our 100+ degree days in the air conditioning and only come out at night when it's cooler and no one can see the sweat.

      Where do you live?

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  2. I'm from Singapore! It's pretty much warm all year round. :/

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  3. Hello fellow Texan! I randomly came across your blog and read this post, and I just had to reply. There is hope for people like us! I have the same problem of sweating but recently found this product that has definitely saved me from completely shutting myself out from socializing in public without the fear of raining on them.
    It's called Driclor, you should research it to figure it out, but I just have to tell you that it changed everything. No more having to pretend to have to use the restroom but instead wipe off all the sweat with the paper towels before anyone sees. I just really want to share my experience with you because I've been through the sweating before. I got tired of having people wonder why I was sweating when it wasn't even hot at all but had the slightest amount of humidity. I got tired of walking outside for five minutes and looking like I just came from running a marathon. I know I sound like some marketing person that works for them, but definitely not. I just have to share my discovery with a person that seems so sincere and could be enjoying life better without our damn genetics from our dads that gave us this sweating problem in the first place. I know this is random, but I hope you find your happiness. You seem like a very bright, sweet woman. I know this post seems not very focused, but it's pretty late in Houston and my mind is just all over the place at night. Take care!

    ReplyDelete

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