It's been a while since I posted anything. Here's what I've been up to:
About a year ago, I adopted a new mantra. I'd never had a mantra before and I'm not sure where it came from, but it's helped me to be a relatively happy me for that length of time. The mantra--I will cultivate a life I love. There's something about the word cultivate that really gets my juices flowing. It brings to mind images of planting seeds with the hopes of reaping a good harvest, pulling weeds from time to time, and getting my hands dirty but having a feeling of contentment. Cultivating isn't something that will be easy, but it is something that will be rewarding.
And it has been rewarding. In the last year, I've played volleyball on several teams, played pub trivia with new people, bought myself a Fillaseat membership to attend cultural events around Austin, set up monthly quirky activities with a group of friends, attended book club meetings, and maintained meaningful relationships with good-hearted people. I reorganized my entire apartment over the summer so that I know exactly what I own, which means that I no longer feel the need to shop. I created a new budget for myself with the idea that I will purchase a house in the near future. I made a new career plan and took active steps to meet the goals I set for myself. All good things.
But there is one important parenthetical that always went along with my new mantra: (and if I meet a man who wants to be a part of it, then great!). Initially, this parenthetical was probably the main reason that I formulated the mantra. I wasn't having any luck with the internet dating and I really wasn't meeting any men out in the world and it was starting to get me down. I kind of had a "come to Jesus" talk with myself--"Lisa, it is possible that you will be on your own forever. Or at least for a long, long time." So instead of doing what I'd done for the last decade--putting all big life decisions on hold because of the possibility that I might meet someone--I decided to create the life I wanted to have, even if it meant I would be on my own.
I think the problem with parentheticals is that they really are always in the back of your mind. So even as I was meeting up with friends and pursuing the things that I thought would make my life better, I was always hoping a guy would come along and we’d hit it off. Honestly, in this one year, I’ve met more single men than I probably have in a decade. There are single guys in my volleyball leagues. There were single men at parties and outings with friends. There are single guys at trivia. Cute ones. Smart ones. Funny ones. Kind ones. All good qualities. But it’s so hard to find someone with the right mixture of qualities who also likes your mixture of qualities and then for there to be enough of a spark to get the ball rolling.
So here I am. I really am enjoying life so much more these days, but there’s still something missing. I guess without completely deleting that parenthetical from my manta, I’m never going to be rid of that sensation. But do I really want to delete it? Do I really want to believe that I can be completely fulfilled on my own? I think that’s the sort of thing we all tell our single loved ones to put a patch over the holes they have.
The thing I dread the most is the idea that it might be time to give internet dating another go. I guess that's part of getting my hands dirty...